


Maelstrom

by maelstromik



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus is a good boyfriend, Suicide Attempt, alec feels sad, kiss, set after the events of 2x08, there is some almost non-existent smut as well ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 06:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maelstromik/pseuds/maelstromik
Summary: Alec can only describe himself as being caught in a maelstrom, the weight of everything pulling him to different sides and he can't see any way out or any way through. But in the midst of all this chaos, there is Magnus, sweet and beautiful Magnus.





	Maelstrom

Alec looked so peaceful when he was asleep. In fact, it was probably the _only_ time he ever looked peaceful and Magnus decided that he quite liked it. He quite liked seeing Alec without the weight of all the world’s problems on his shoulders. It was refreshing.

  
It had only been a couple of hours since Alec had wandered into his apartment, looking tired and mumbling something about being fed up over the actions of the Clave. Magnus hadn’t said anything in the moment, just pulled Alec into his arms and kissed him deeply in a bid to help him forget his troubles. They had kissed for a while before Alec had eventually fallen asleep on Magnus’s bed and now, thinking about it, Magnus couldn’t help but smile. It reminded him of a time, long ago – when they had first started dating.

  
Magnus used to leave his door open for Alec in their first, few months of dating. Of course, giving him a key would have been the rational thing to do but Magnus, if it wasn’t yet obvious, was no rational thinker except for when it came to the times that mattered. Giving Alec a key would have insinuated something deeper and at that time in their relationship, Magnus had been unsure whether it would go anywhere. So, the door was left open and Alec often wandered in during the late hours of night or the early hours of morning. Sometimes he would crawl into bed beside Magnus, his skin ice cold from the cool breeze but Magnus wouldn’t mind. He would stay very still, pretend to be asleep and secretly revel in the fact that Alec had just wrapped his arms around him and that Alec was _there_.

  
“Magnus,” Alec mumbled in his sleep and the warlock tore himself away from the memory, a smile still lingering on his face. Alec’s face was covered in a thin, sheen of sweat and he had bunched the bed covers in his hands. “Magnus – are you –

  
Magnus frowned before sitting down beside the Shadowhunter. Alec didn’t have nightmares often so anytime that he did, it worried Magnus to no end. He swept a hand through Alec’s black hair, pushing it off of his forehead before gently cupping his jaw. “Alexander,” he whispered, leaning over him and pressing a kiss to his temple. Magnus pressed another kiss to the same spot before trailing kisses down Alec’s cheek, all the way to the large, deflect rune that covered the side of his neck. It was one of the most striking things about Alec… that damn, deflect rune.

  
Alec shifted in his sleep, his fingers uncurling themselves from the bed covers and then Magnus was met with Alec’s brilliant eyes. He swore they changed colour under different lights but right now, they looked dark brown, hazy and confused. “Magnus?”

  
Magnus moved away slightly, allowing Alec to sit up. He watched as Alec rubbed at his eyes before frowning and Magnus smiled, unable to resist before leaning forward and smoothing out the crease that always appeared whenever Alec frowned and Alec was _always_ frowning at something or the other. “You were talking in your sleep,” Magnus informed him gently. “You said my name.”

  
“Must’ve been a bad dream,” Alec said dismissively and reached for Magnus.

  
Magnus, reluctantly, let himself be pulled into Alec’s arms and then, reluctantly, allowed the Shadowhunter to kiss him. Magnus tilted his head slightly, deepening the kiss and that was all it took for them to be lost in each other. Alec clenched Magnus’s shirt in his hands, bunching the fabric with his fingers and Magnus tangled his own fingers in Alec’s unruly, black hair. They toppled over each other, Magnus landing on top of Alec, staring down at his eyes; darkened with lust.

  
Magnus knew that they should be talking, talking about what had just happened because Alec had been so quick to brush it off… like it was nothing, when in truth, it had been _something_ – something important. “Alexander,” He mumbled against Alec’s lips before gently, yet firmly pushing him back by his shoulders. Alec stared at him, black hair wild against the dark interior of Magnus’s bedroom, lips parted and looking as though they had just been thoroughly kissed. He looked _beautiful_ and Magnus wanted nothing more than to continue what they had been doing, to pull Alec close and treasure him… but instead, he broke the moment, knowing that it was more important to make sure Alec was really okay. “We should talk.”

  
Alec sighed, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  
“Then it was nothing when you showed up here out of the blue, looking as though you hadn’t slept in days? It was nothing when you said my name in your sleep?” Magnus questioned, his frustration rising and overtaking the desire he had been feeling only moments ago. “Your _voice_ – it sounded tortured, it sounded like you were seconds away from losing me. What were you dreaming of?”

  
“Magnus… I don’t – I don’t want to worry you,”

  
“I’m already worried because you’re keeping things from me,”

  
“It’s not like that,” Alec replied, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and standing up to his full height.

  
Magnus stared up at him, still perched on the edge of the bed. Alec was nothing if not stubborn and right now, as he looked down at Magnus with his hard-set gaze and dark brown eyes, Magnus knew that he wouldn’t be able to get the truth out of his Alexander very easily. Alec dropped his gaze before stepping forward and pressing a kiss to Magnus’s forehead, his lips lingering for a second too long, “I should go.”

  
Magnus closed his eyes, squeezing them shut for a few moments in frustration, “You’re running away from your problems.” Alec didn’t slow down in his bid to get out of Magnus’s apartment, instead, he packed up faster, gathering his jacket and slipping his phone into the front pocket of his jeans. “Alec, there’s going to be day when your problems eat you up – they will break free from whatever strong hold you have on them and they will _ruin_ you. Trust me when I say I’ve been there before.”

  
Alec stared at Magnus for a second before his gaze faltered and he tore his eyes away from the warlock. He shook his head, almost to himself and started walking away, his back hunched and his black hair falling over his forehead. Magnus watched as Alec got closer and closer to the front door which he had left gaping open ever since Alec had first wandered in and decided that enough was enough, he wouldn’t let Alec run away today. It had happened too many times before and with that and a flourish of magic, the door slammed shut, inches before Alec reached it and the Shadowhunter immediately turned around with an exasperated look on his face. “ _Magnus_ , I can’t do this with you!” Alec told him. “Not today… just let me go, alright? We’ll talk about it later – I-I promise.”

  
“I’m sensing a pattern here, Alexander,” Magnus said. “Aren’t you?”

  
“What’re you talking about?” Alec sighed, slumping against the door.

  
“It seems that whenever we’re together, we somehow end up arguing with each other and then… then you leave and you come back the next morning and the cycle starts again,” Magnus replied, fiddling with the multitude of rings adorning his fingers. “We never talk about anything serious – like these nightmares of yours and I’m beginning to think that maybe this is all our relationship is destined for.”

  
“What?” Alec frowned, pushing himself off of the door and standing up straighter. “Magnus, that’s not _true_. I-I just... I don’t know how to explain it… I –

  
“You don’t trust me,” Magnus said, turning away from Alec. The words hurt to say because over the past few months, over everything they had dealt with – with Valentine, the mortal cup and the Clave, Magnus had let himself believe that he had earned something from Alec, he had earned his trust and that they were past the traditional Downworlder-Shadowhunter customs. “You don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on with you.”

  
“Magnus,” Alec followed after him and grabbed his arm, gently forcing the warlock to turn around and face him. Magnus’s expression was one of masked confusion but Alec had learned to see through the outward glamour of his appearance and he was taken aback by the hurt in Magnus’s dark eyes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you… because I do, I would trust you with my life.”

  
Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s neck, spreading his fingers over that goddamn deflect rune, “Then _what_?” He murmured, his eyes searching Alec’s own. “If it’s not trust, what’s holding you back from opening up to me?”

  
Alec sighed before nudging his forehead against Magnus’s, “I… I don’t want to appear weak in front of you. I’ve always been taught to stand tall, put my emotions aside and be the strongest that I can be but I don’t… I don’t know if I can when there are so many emotions and feelings and I can’t –

  
Magnus silenced Alec with a kiss, knowing full well that he was about to let lose after what would only seem like months of repressing his emotions and he knew that Alec did not want to lose control at that particular moment. Alec kissed him back and Magnus smiled into the kiss as he felt Alec’s fingers snake up the back of his neck and tangle themselves within his artfully-styled black hair. “Alec,” He breathed against his lips. “Do you know that you’re possibly the strongest person I’ve ever met? You’re always so prepared – for anything –

  
“I wasn’t prepared for you,” Alec smiled, his eyes taking on a faraway quality as he thought back to the night that they had met and how he had never expected for things to end up like this.

  
Magnus laughed, “I think that was for the best… I mean, we turned out okay, didn’t we?”

  
“I think so,” They smiled at each other before Magnus took Alec’s hand and guided him towards ‘their’ sofa, littered with so many fond memories from the past few months. It was getting old and it was a little bit tattered but it was nothing a little flick of the fingers, a little flush of magic couldn’t fix. Magnus was the first to sit down, dragging Alec along with him and as they sat next to each other, arms and legs touching and Alec’s hands entwined with Magnus’s own, Magnus said, “I was saying that you’re always prepared for anything but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be vulnerable, Alec. Even Shadowhunters have their down days and they can’t be expected to be strong every moment of every day and that’s _okay_. It doesn’t make you ‘less than,’ Alec. It makes you stronger.”

  
Magnus shifted slightly, angling his body towards Alec, “And as for me… you have nothing to prove, Alexander. I know how _strong_ you are – I’ve seen it so I could care less if you appear weak in front of me because it makes no difference to the way that I feel about you. Being in a relationship means being vulnerable sometimes, you don’t have to be Shadowhunter Alec Lightwood with me, you can just be _Alec_ and I’ll love you all the more for it.”

  
Alec’s lips curved up into a small smile and he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Magnus’s cheek, “I’m sorry I haven’t been open with you,” He laughed half-heartedly, “I hate being vulnerable if it’s not obvious yet.”

  
Magnus returned the smile with one of his own and Alec turned to face him properly, giving Magnus a clear view of his beautiful face, lined with the most perfect of features. Alec’s eyes looked grey under the pale light, like the ocean on a cold, winter’s day and Magnus found himself getting lost in those deep-set eyes. “Magnus,” Alec started, fiddling with Magnus’s fingers. “About the nightmares –

  
“There’s been more than one?”

  
Alec nodded, “They’ve been happening for a couple of weeks now and it’s always the same dream, replaying in my head over and over again.”

  
“Alec,” Magnus placed a hand over Alec’s fingers, stilling them from making their anxious movements. Alec met his gaze with a hesitant smile. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready to talk about it.”

  
“Do you remember the night of Max’s rune ceremony?” Alec asked instead, averting his eyes from Magnus and staring down at their hands. Magnus’s hand was placed atop of his, his fingers glistening with the multitude of rings he was wearing and his nails perfectly painted a deep, dark red that Alec had first thought to be black at a distance. “I stood on top of that ledge and –

  
“Yes, of course I remember Alexander,” Magnus cut in, glancing over at his boyfriend. “There was nothing more heart-breaking.”

  
“I’m standing on that ledge in my dream and I’m looking down at the city below and there’s just this feeling of _emptiness_ inside of me and it’s an all-consuming feeling, Magnus.”

  
“Oh _Alec_ ,” Magnus breathed.

  
“And I just – I remember _everything_ leading up to that moment. I remember my parents, all the things that they said about me – you know, it’s either I’m not good enough or I’m being selfish and I remember Clary and Jocelyn’s blood staining my hands and did you know that she still won’t meet my eyes when I talk to her? Then I just think what am I good for you know? There’s _nothing_ and then I’m falling and falling and falling but my feet never touch the pavement and you’re not _there_ to pull me back and I’m calling out to you – I-It’s just this endless loop in my head –

  
Magnus reached forward and pulled Alec towards him, one hand cradling the back of his head and the other wound tightly around his waist. Alec came willingly, hiding his face in the sliver of bare skin that Magnus’s unbuttoned shirt bore and his shoulders shaking with the weight of everything, the weight of the truth. Magnus held Alec close to him, his fingers trailing lazily through his unruly black hair in a bid to calm him down and in a way it wasn’t just for Alec, it was for him too because while Magnus had seen many, different sides to his Alexander… he had never seen him like this. He had never seen him looking so lost.

  
“It’s okay,” Magnus whispered, over and over again, his voice half-muffled by Alec’s hair. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince but he took the way that Alec relaxed against him as a small victory, one of many to come. Magnus wanted to hold Alec tighter, closer. He wanted to stop Alec’s shoulders shaking and his hands from trembling but as he pulled away to do so, Alec gripped his shirt, his face still hidden from view and told him not to leave. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m here.”

  
Magnus felt helpless just sitting there, holding Alec but a part of him also knew that this was probably what he needed. They were silent for a while, just musing in the feeling of each other and Magnus wasn’t entirely sure when Alec had stopped shaking or when he had started talking but Magnus listened like he always did. “The other night, I thought about what would happen if I did it – if I did what I was doing in my dream,” Alec told him, his voice slightly more composed than it had been before. “I stood on the edge of the roof of the Institute and I looked down. I could see the whole city from up there.”

  
“I was terrified,” Alec continued. “I couldn’t do it.”

  
Magnus’s heart was racing, “What made you stop?”

  
“The thought of you,” Alec answered easily, pulling away from Magnus so that they could look at each other properly. He placed a hand on Magnus’s cheek, his thumb grazing over his cheekbone. “I saw you… and I heard your voice and it – it grounded me, it pulled me back and that’s… that’s where I know the dream went wrong. All of my feelings, my insecurities and my thoughts may have been right but you not being there for me? That was wrong.”

  
“Alexander,” Magnus smiled sadly.

  
“And I know what you said to me… that morning after the rune ceremony and I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. I tried so many times but I was caught in between my own fear and my own confusion – it made me doubt you and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Magnus.”

  
“I could have lost you,” Magnus said absently. “I _almost_ lost you Alec –

  
“I know,” Alec said, his voice barely above a whisper and this time it was his hands comforting Magnus, it was his arms wrapping themselves around Magnus and Magnus couldn’t have pulled away if he tried. He buried his face in Alec’s shoulder and took a deep breath, inhaling all that was Alec and the familiar scent of the cologne he always wore. “I know – I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking I could do it on my own, I’m sorry for not telling you, I’m sorry for doubting you and scaring you… that was not my intention at all and I want – I want to get better but I can’t do it without you.”

  
Magnus was silent, listening to the heartache in Alec’s voice. He wanted to tell Alec that he didn’t have to apologize, that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he understood because Magnus himself had found himself in a similar predicament many centuries ago. The memory had stuck with him, just simmering under the surface but now it had been pulled back and it surprised Magnus – not because it had returned but because he wasn’t reacting the way he thought he would have. He embraced the memory, it was a part of who he was, a part of a dark turn in his life but nonetheless a part of him and one day, he would tell Alec… just not tonight.

  
“I don’t want you to do it without me,” Magnus replied before gently pulling away from Alec. Alec’s cheeks were flushed, his lips were slightly parted and his eyes were pools of darkness. He had never looked so vulnerable before and in that moment, Magnus truly understood why Alec was so afraid of opening up to him. It wasn’t because he would appear weak in front of Magnus, it was because every time Alec was vulnerable, he tore down a piece of his artfully-crafted armour and every time a piece fell away, he wasn’t sure how to put himself back together… or if he wanted to. Magnus nodded to himself before taking Alec’s hands in his own, hands that had single-handedly taken down demons, hands that knew their way around a bow and arrow.

  
“Alexander, there is nothing more difficult than overcoming these sorts of feelings. I’ve-I’ve done it myself and the one thing I wished for while I was dealing with them was that there was someone else beside me… someone to guide me along and catch me when I fell… which was a lot of the time, unfortunately,” Magnus told him, his thumbs flitting over Alec’s knuckles, slightly bruised from a demon attack earlier in the week.

  
“Magnus,” Alec frowned, moving even closer to his boyfriend if that was possible considering the amount of space between them. “I didn’t know –

  
“I’m afraid that is a story for another time my Alexander,” Magnus smiled. “Right now, all that matters is you and that you're okay… that you’re _going_ to be okay because I won’t leave you, I won’t leave your side.”

  
“I know,”

  
Magnus brought Alec’s hands up to his lips and peppered them with kisses, short and sweet. A kiss for every bruise and scar, a kiss for everything that those hands were capable of and then he grabbed Alec by the collar of his t-shirt, gently as not to spook him after all the truths that had come tumbling out of him tonight and kissed him on the mouth. Alec kissed back without any hesitation and once they parted, Magnus traced the curve of his lips with a single, ring-clad thumb before pressing their foreheads together.

  
_They would be okay, Magnus was sure of it. He wasn’t sure how but he knew that somehow, they would be._  

***

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first malec fic and it honestly took me ages to write haha. hope you enjoyed it! <3


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